Cie'th
by Socially Introverted
Summary: Sometimes, you don't have to be a l'Cie who failed its focus to become one... This story is rated M for mature situations and not because of smut. There'll be some in later chapters though I have no idea when. FLight.


**A/N: New story people but this one is rather dark. It involves a suicide attempt so please, if you're under 18 (or 21) do not read! And if you're older and depressed, do not attempt! I'm not encouraging this, I used that part because it fits in the story. Depression and suicide can be avoided and treated if you seek help.**

**I went into a dark place inside myself to write this, though it was a long time ago. But I have to admit that I cried when I wrote it. I hope this story will touch you.**

**Happy reading. :)**

* * *

**Cie'th**

"Stay together!"

All her companions grabbed each other's hands as they flew upwards; except two of them. They were falling into the endless void. She tried to reach for them but it was like two opposite forces pulled them apart. Before the abyss engulfed her friends, one of them flashed that cocky smile she had come to love so much. There was resignation in that smile though, and a bit of sadness too. Deep green eyes locked with azure ones for one last time. That was when she knew she would never see those beautiful eyes again. She saw the two women hold hands, as they twisted and adopted a yin and yang position. And then, they disintegrated.

"No!" she cried out, desperation and anguish twisting her insides.

Claire "Lightning" Farron opened her eyes slowly. Her heart thumped loudly inside her chest, leaving her slightly out of breath. She blinked a few times and felt tears fall down her cheeks. She swallowed and exhaled shakily.

The image of the holoclock materialized to the left side of her bed.

"Good morning lieutenant Farron! Did you sleep...?"

She interrupted the annoying voice by pressing the 'off' button encased in her nightstand. The image vanished into thin air. She reminded herself that she would have to change the settings on her alarm clock and choose something a little less... cheerful.

She groaned, sat cross-legged in her bed and cradled her head in her hands. Five years had passed and the same nightmare haunted her still. She thought that after all this time, she would stop dreaming about her but she sadly realized it wasn't the case. On the contrary, the dream had become more frequent since the last few days. She didn't know what to make of it.

The soldier wiped away the tears with the back of her hand. The gesture was sharp, as if she was ashamed for showing one moment of weakness. She put both feet on the floor and raked her hand through her asymmetrical strawberry blond hair – as if this could help her chase away the remnants of her dream. She didn't even bother to make her bed, which was so unusual for her. Lightning had always been a very tidy person. Everything had always been in its place, where it was supposed to be. But she wasn't the same Lightning anymore.

Not since there was nothing left for her to live for.

Oh, she had Serah but her sister was happily married with Snow now and they were proud parents of two beautiful children. They were busy enjoying their new life while Lightning was left alone.

The weight of her own life felt so heavy on her shoulders... Sometimes, she wondered why she was still alive and breathing.

With a loud sigh, she stood up and slowly dragged her feet towards the bathroom. The hallway seemed to stretch endlessly as she put one foot in front of the other. Finally, she reached the bathroom. Fal'cie! It was so hard getting out of bed now. And taking a shower? Simple tasks like basic hygiene and feeding herself demanded a tremendous amount of energy and left her exhausted.

She slowly took off her t-shirt, shorts and underwear. She stood in front of the mirror and took a good look at herself. Her reflection stared back at her, frowning. She wasn't pleased with what she saw but didn't have the strength to care anymore.

Her hair had lost it shine and softness. The strawberry blond colour – which used to be almost pink, looked dull. Her face was deathly pale and her eyes... They had always been her best features but now, they had lost their spark, their fire. Their colour – usually a beautiful cerulean blue – had been washed out to be replaced by lifeless grey. She had permanent dark circles under her eyes and that perpetual frown... People used to tell her she looked stern but it got worse as the years went by.

Her gaze traveled down her body. She still had stunning curves and toned muscles due to years of training. One thing had changed though. She brushed the spot above her left breast, where the l'Cie brand had been. The mark was gone and only scar tissue remained; the design slightly whiter than her skin tone. She could still see the arrows with its angry eye; a permanent reminder of her life as a former enemy of Cocoon.

"Tch," she uttered while making a grimace at her twin in the mirror. She would have smashed the thing, if she'd had the energy for it.

Inside the shower stall, she programmed the temperature to a nice 'warm-hot' setting. Head hung down; Lightning put her hands against the tiles, palms flat, as the water streamed down her shoulder blades. She flexed them, trying to relax but the water drops felt more like hot needles piercing her skin. She ached all over, inside and out. She felt like her skin was stretched too thin on her frame. She sighed heavily, washed her hair and body quickly and turned off the water. She towelled herself dry and got out.

She put on her Guardian Corps uniform. It was still the same, except for the yellow stripes on her pauldron, which had been replaced by bright orange ones. She attached the straps of her leather case to the bottom of her overcoat and her thigh pack. Her knee-high combat boots made a loud noise across the house as she went to pick up her gunblade. She lifted the dual weapon that was almost like an extension of her and with a quick flick of her wrist, slid it inside its case.

She locked the door behind her, jumped on her velocycle and left for work.

Work. Before becoming a l'Cie, it had been the main focus of her life. She had been so busy making ends meet and protecting Serah that slowly but surely, they had drifted apart. After freeing her sister from her crystal prison, she had made the promise they would never be separated again. She swore to Serah she would get closer and spend more time with her. But with Snow constantly in the picture, she felt like the fifth wheel of the carriage. She hated to admit it but he was doing a good job in making her little sister happy and he was an excellent father. Lightning felt less needed and eventually, she spent less and less time with Serah and let work become the center of her life once again.

Old habits die hard it seemed.

She knew it was her duty to make it better but she felt it was useless to try and perhaps it was too late now.

It seemed to be too late for lots of things. So now, work was her friend, her lover and her family but most of all, it had become her solace. Because of it, she didn't have to think.

The crisp morning air of Gran Pulse whipped her hair around her face as she drove towards the Archelyte Steppe. The Guardian Corps headquarters were located in the town of New Bodhum, not far from the gargantuan crystal pillar that supported what was left of Cocoon. When she arrived in the parking lot, she stopped the velocycle and turned off the engine. As she got off, she heard a voice behind her.

"Lieutenant Farron?"

She turned around slowly and saw a soldier walking towards her. He stopped in front of her and brought his arm horizontally against his chest in a rigid salute.

"At ease private," she said, returning it. "What is it?"

She started walking resolutely towards the main building. The young man followed her, matching her stride.

"It's one of the l'Cie, M'am."

Lightning stopped dead in her tracks. Her heart beat wildly inside her ribcage with fear and anticipation. It had been a long time since she'd heard that word. The l'Cie left inside the pillar had been practically forgotten and nobody ever talked about them anymore.

"Which one?"

"The tall one."

She turned slowly towards him as her eyes narrowed. "What about her?"

"You'll have to see for yourself. Dr. Wilson is waiting for you; he's the one who sent me."

She nodded sharply, tugged on the glove of her right hand and resumed her walk.

"Lead the way."

Eden… Lightning couldn't remember the last time she went to visit Fang and Vanille. Not long after The Fall, it had been decided by higher authorities that the l'Cie could not and should not be forgotten, be it for the right or the wrong reasons. A memorial had been erected in their honour and little by little, a museum had been created so people from Cocoon could remember what had happened and who were the ones responsible for their freedom or their demise, depending if you were pro fal'Cie or not.

In the beginning, Lightning spent entire days in the company of her friends. She told them about her daily life and as silly as it might have sounded, kept them up to date with what was going on since they'd chosen to sacrifice themselves for the good of mankind. But mostly, she told them how much she missed them because deep down inside, she hoped they could hear her and perhaps one day, they would finally wake up from their crystal slumber.

Days turned into weeks, and then months, and after a year, hope started to diminish. But she didn't want to lose hope. She couldn't. If she did, it meant what Fang and Vanille had done was for nothing. She couldn't let them go; she couldn't let _her_ go.

But Snow saw to that...

* * *

**A year after The Fall**

Serah had finally been able to get a hold of her older sister and had invited her for dinner. Lightning had agreed; albeit reluctantly but she had and that was a start. Serah hadn't seen her sister in a while and she missed her terribly. Homemade cooking was the best way to catch up on things in Serah's opinion. Despite Lightning's reluctance to come over, she had appreciated Serah's meal. She was too proud to admit it but she too had missed her sister.

They spent the rest of the evening talking and sipping drinks. While Serah went to put the twins to bed, Snow and Lightning reminisced about their time as l'Cie. It was their way of connecting as brother and sister-in-law. Snow took a swallow of his beer and let out a small chuckle.

"Do you remember when Fang performed her Highwind attack? Each time we'd get treated with a view of her underwear! After the battle, our mouths would hang wide open in shock and she'd say 'What?' and then she'd saunter off like nothing happened."

A ghost of a smile played on Lightning's lips. She'd always suspected Fang had an exhibitionist streak. She was practically naked underneath that sari. Lightning couldn't help staring when the dark-haired woman did her special move. After that, she'd noticed Fang did it more often. A nice blush crept up her cheeks and she took a long swig of her whiskey, emptying her glass.

"How are you holding up?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Did you ever tell her how you felt?"

Lightning stared at Snow wide eyed with shock and almost choked. She thought Snow was too dense to notice but she'd been wrong. The slip of emotions didn't last long though. She closed herself up instantly and crossed her arms on her chest.

A frustrated sigh escaped her lips. "Why when we're on the point of getting along, you always come up with something stupid to say and ruin the moment?"

Snow didn't seem the least bit offended by her comment and continued without realizing he was threading a dangerous path.

"You didn't tell her," he sighed heavily.

"Drop it Snow," she warned. "Serah woke up and so will they. I'll decide my course of action when the time comes. And by the way, it's none of your business so just leave it at that."

"I suspected there was something... Why didn't you do it when you had the chance?"

One thing hadn't changed. Snow was still able to push the right buttons and make her angry. She shot up from the couch. "Because I couldn't! All right?" She lowered her gaze and her voice was barely above a whisper. "I thought after we'd take care of Orphan, I would have all the time in the world."

Snow leaned forward and his gaze locked with hers. "Sis, you may not like what I'm about to say but there's a possibility Fang might not wake up this time."

"How dare you say that? You, who never lost faith that Serah would wake up one day. Fang and Vanille slept for five hundred years and still they came out of stasis. Why should it be different this time?" she said, her voice a higher pitch than her usual husky one.

"Lightning..."

"No! They've completed their Focus so they should wake up. They have to. She has to..." She felt her voice leave her.

Snow stood up and made the mistake of touching Lightning. "Sis... Fang could be..."

Sleeping forever? Dead? She didn't want to contemplate that possibility because if she heard the word, it would crush the last bit of hope she had left. It would mean she'd missed the chance to tell her how she truly felt and it would mean that opportunity was lost forever.

She shoved him away. "Don't touch me!"

"... gone."

Something snapped inside her and without realizing it, her right hand closed up into a tight fist and her arm uncoiled like a spring. The punch sent Snow flying over the couch. Her little nieces got awoken by the noise and started crying. Serah ran down the stairs, in panic.

"What's going on? Snow!" She ran over to her husband who laid flat on his back on the floor, holding his jaw. She helped him get up and stared in shock at her sister.

Lightning took a few steps back towards the door. "I'm leaving."

"Claire! Why'd you hit him?"

"Your idiot husband can't keep his mouth shut."

She opened the door and pointed her finger towards Snow while locking gaze with Serah. Her voice had an edge of menace. "Keep him away from me, if you know what's best for him."

When she got home, Lightning kicked her boots across the hall. She walked into the living room and opened a new bottle of whiskey, determined to continue where she had left off. She was on a roll and on her way to get senselessly drunk. She didn't need a shot glass because it wasn't big enough. She brought the bottle to her lips and took several gulps. After a few minutes, the burning sensation in her oesophagus and the pleasurable warmth coursing through her veins were barely noticeable. She didn't want to feel and hoped the alcohol would help drown her sorrow, her pain, her guilt and her lack of courage because she had chickened out. She wanted to bury her emotions deep inside herself and feel numb. If she could drink herself to a coma then maybe, maybe she'd be able to forget.

Her blurry gaze zeroed in on the photo of Fang and Vanille she had seen in their former home in Oerba, the very home she had chosen to live in after The Fall. With a groan, she got up slowly and dragged her feet on the wooden floor. She took the picture and put it down on the coffee table. She flopped down next to it and brought the bottle to her lips once more.

"It must be fun sleeping forever without a care in the world. At least, you're not the one who's stuck here," she slurred at the picture.

They were supposed to save Cocoon together and Fang had promised her but when the time came; she didn't stick to the plan. She had decided to become Ragnarok with Vanille and had stopped Cocoon from crashing onto Pulse. Now she was in a crystal sleep and Lightning was still here, all alone.

Fang had abandoned her and by doing that, she had betrayed her.

"You had no right Fang, no right at all to decide for me. You preferred acting behind my back instead of having the guts to tell me the truth. You know what? You're just a coward," she spat, her voice filled with venom.

Lighting had been through so much since The Fall. She was trying to get her life back together but the trial, her demotion, her ruined career – everything had taken its toll on her. She had to start all over and it didn't matter how much effort she put into it. Even though she wasn't a l'Cie anymore, people still considered her an enemy of Cocoon; a monster. She was looked upon with suspicion and nobody trusted her. She was treated like a pariah by her own kind. With each passing day, life was becoming unbearable and she was so tired of trying to survive... She was an open wound on two legs. No matter how hard she tried, she wasn't able to heal.

If she ended it now, she'd finally find peace.

She sobered up in an instant. Everything was so clear. The last time she had been so sure of herself was when she had decided to go after the Sanctum. She clenched her jaw and took out her gunblade from its holster. She undid the safety latch. It was fully charged and ready to use.

She got down on her knees in front of Fang and Vanille's picture. Her eyes were staring at Fang, trying to engrave in her mind a face she couldn't even remember anymore. She tilted her head back, putting the gun under her chin. The cold metal made her shiver lightly. Her hand traveled down her weapon slowly, like she would caress a lover, until her index finger rested on the trigger.

She never missed a shot at long range so there was no way she could miss this one.

The former soldier took a deep breath, getting ready to commit that irreparable gesture. For a few seconds, she imagined how it would end. Would she feel pain when the bullet would penetrate under her chin and come out of the back of her skull leaving a bloody gaping wound and splashing her brain on the wall? Her gaze never left the face of the one who had left a deep mark on her heart.

She knew it would never belong to another.

She gritted her teeth, her breathing accelerating and her heartbeat thumping wildly inside her ribcage. A drop of sweat trickled down her temple.

_Come on. Just pull the trigger and it'll be over in a second. You'll finally be free from all this pain..._

She blinked a few times, her eyes looking away from the Pulsian's face. She could almost feel the brunette's eyes boring through her, judging her. She closed them, unable to stand that viridian gaze.

Her breathing became irregular. Unable to control it anymore, she started hyperventilating. She couldn't stop shaking and she had to get a hold of herself because if she didn't, she would miss her shot and disfigure herself.

_Do it! Do it now!_

There was this huge ball of suffering in the middle of her stomach that had been sitting there for years. She felt it moving and she tried to stop it but was unable to as it made its way up to her chest, threatening to choke her. The pain went upward, towards her mouth, transforming itself into a sound of despair she never thought she would hear.

It was the sound of a wounded animal. It shook her to the core and she felt something warm streaming down her cheeks.

Tears.

She opened her eyes and in a fit of rage, threw her gunblade across the room not caring for the lost bullet. The weapon hit the picture, sending it flying and crashing against the opposite wall.

She stayed there, unable to move, her eyes glued on the picture frame. That's when she noticed the cracks crisscrossing the glass.

That was her wake up call. She ran towards the object and took it. Her fingers traced the patterns of the broken glass. Thank Eden, the picture was undamaged. She pressed it to her heart and closed her eyes as she rocked herself on her heels.

She choked sob came out of her mouth. "I miss you... Oh, how I miss you!"

She knew Fang would've been against her ending her own life. But there was another way, a way that brought a small smile to her lips.

She wouldn't put an end to her suffering that way. She would do better than that. She would slowly waste herself away.

The end result would be the same.


End file.
